Adam Smith and 1986 Nobel Prize winner James Buchanan described economics as the study of exchange. One of the most pervasive types of exchange is communicating with other people. The word communicate comes from the Latin word “communicare,” which means to share or make common. The word common means belonging to all or owned or used jointly.  

Language is essential for cooperation, coordination, and establishing social norms. In his book on super-communicators, Charles Duhigg argues that the more our brains align, the better we understand each other, and some people are better at aligning than others. Duhigg notes that the best communicators ask more questions and adjust their communication style to match the other person’s.  

He writes that conversations typically cover 1) practical concerns such as problem-solving, 2) feelings and emotions, and 3) our identities and relationships. When one person wants emotional support, and another thinks they want help solving their problems, they are not aligned, often resulting in misunderstanding and anger.  

To improve conversations about practical concerns, Duhigg suggests parties first agree on what the conversation is about, including goals and how agreement will be reached. It is also a conversation about what type of logic we will use, such as considering costs and benefits and evidence, or is this an empathetic discussion that leans into stories and compassion?  

Conversations about feelings and emotions are typically about emotional connection, which is developed by asking deep questions and being vulnerable in return. For example, psychologist Nicholas Epley found that people felt more connected after they had discussed the questions, “If a crystal ball could tell you the future, what would you want to know?” “For what do you feel most grateful?” and “Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?” 

Conversations about our identities and relationships are about who we are, our relationships, how we view others, and how they see us. For example, if John calls Cecil a member of a group Cecil dislikes, Cecil may feel threatened and defensive, which may prompt Cecil to counterattack. Duhigg suggests that before a discussion, people think through what they want to accomplish and how to deal with obstacles. During the conversation, he suggests that participants agree not to blame, shame, or attack each other. Listen to other people’s backgrounds and experiences and build on common ground.   

Communication is a two-edged sword. It is essential for peaceful economic exchange but can lead to destructive conflict.